It's been a while.

So, it's been a little while since I wrote here. Like I explained in my last post, I'm just falling through a streak of self-destructiveness.. So I decided I'd make this post a little more informal so it's a little easier for people to understand my point, if anyone even reads this. :]

So for the past year or so i've kinda felt alone in everything I do, constantly trying reaching out to people, and spending my time to make them smile, or laugh. People generally see me as the quiet guy that sits talking to people on the computer, but it'd be lovely if one person actually understood the reason I restrict my social interactions to just online. It's not because I feel safer on the computer, or that I don't know how to make people smile face-to-face. I just feel like one of many when i'm out in public, that my opinion isn't worth anything when compared to somebody who looks more intelligent, and i'm easily disregarded. Not to mention the fact I love being able to talk to people who live abroad for me, and compare our lives and wonder if i'd be any happier if I lived where they do.

I'm not sure if it's a bad thing, but I'm obsessed with the sense of a faceless world, where people only see what people are like inside, and for people to lust personalities, not just for what somebody looks like. I spend all my time trying to help other people, or being there for my friends, or just generally being there, for anyone.. I love making people smile, or making people feel, or remember that they have a reason to smile.

I just struggle when it comes to anything to do with myself. I can guide people in relationships very well, I can tell them where the things are going wrong and how easily they're fixed, but when it comes to myself, i'm a lost cause. I seriously am the most hopeless person when it comes to relationships. I over think every moment, I panic if i'm doing things right, or if I could be doing them better.. I just don't have enough faith in myself to think that i'm enough as I am to make somebody happy.. I think the one thing i'd love in life, is to be able to just calm down and stop running around like a lunatic, trying to make this one person happy.. To just stop and realise they like me for who I am, and not for how fast i'm trying to run around for them, would just be amazing.. But although I know this in my head, that this person may want me for me, it's never showed in how I act. I screw up in every relationship, for being such a damn try-hard.

So after thinking about what I generally feel my purpose in life is.. I don't think i'm here to work, succeed in any career or hobby, I just feel i'm here to make people smile and laugh, and that to me feels amazing. But I just really wish I wasn't such a fuck-up when it came to relationships, because to have that one person who's there for you, no matter what you go through or what's at the other end of the tunnel, that's just fucking amazing.. I'm so jelly of anyone who has someone to lean on, or somebody who can go to bed at night, knowing they'll have a smile to wake up to, or somebody who loves them, just cuddling up to them.

So, just a little informal rant about how I see myself I suppose.. But, how do you see yourself? And what do you think your meaning in life is?