So this post, this is just a little rant for me to try pick up the pieces my head has scattered around and i'm just unable to think clearly about.. It's not going to be very formal, or remotely interesting. I just thought i'd pre-warn you, before you may or may not waste time reading.
Jeeeez, it's 2012.
So within the month I'm going to be turning 20, which in my eyes, means i'm getting old.
I'm not entirely sure if this is a good or bad thing yet. Thinking back to when I was a child, all I wanted to be was around 20. I'd be able to run faster, do things that I never could and reach things on the top shelf at the supermarket (Not magazines.)
But, there's also the downside to things.. Before I was this age, I had open paths, I had chances to do what I want or be what I wanted. Now I can't help but feel atleast slightly more restricted in my choices in life.
I mean, it's not entirely a bad thing, I'm happy with any job and working for the minimum payslip legally allowed, so long as it's enough to make the person I love, happy.
I suppose what makes me drag my feet, is the fact i've come into a new year so uncertain. Not only about myself, but about others too.. I want to know what I want to do in the future, or atleast in this year. But I really can't do that without knowing the expectations of others, and what they'd want from me, because I struggle too much with doing things for myself, and for my own benefit. I tend to just do things that would make others happy, or make them benefit in some way. It's just how I make myself happy, I guess.
So, assuming i seem a moderately normal person, I could probably feel safe in ranting about a few emotions i've either swamped myself in, or been swamped in due to others.
As I've come to realise alot lately, the one emotion that has the capability to utterly destroy me, is jealousy. It's just something i'm not used to, because I typically tend to just turn my head and stroll on, with a 'Haters gonna hate' attitude. But over the last few months, i've kinda fallen into a pool, and felt as if I were swimming through waves of jealousy and envy. It's really made me question myself, and why I worry as much as I do about this person who's become to mean so much, in such a short space of time.
I'm not talking about "Oh that kid has a red bike. I WANT A RED BIKE GODDOMOT." I'm talking about "That person may look at the person I crave, in the way that I want only myself to."
I'm just not used to liking someone to the extent of which I care this much about keeping them close, and in my life.
I've rapidly changed over a few months, from someone who completely disregards women and just focuses on having a laugh with friends, to someone who cares an overwhelming amount about someone, all so suddenly. The fact i've changed so much, has changed me as a person. Not for the good, or for bad, but it does make me feel insanely vulnerable to being hurt. So I suppose the reason i've not had time for the small things in life, like Blogging or whatnot, is just because i've been thinking far too hard about myself and what's best for me, lately. Blogging while overwhelmed with certain feelings kinda sways the tide of what I post, and it really puts me off writing what I actually feel.
