Consider me trying to realise.

So this post, this is just a little rant for me to try pick up the pieces my head has scattered around and i'm just unable to think clearly about.. It's not going to be very formal, or remotely interesting. I just thought i'd pre-warn you, before you may or may not waste time reading.

Jeeeez, it's 2012.
So within the month I'm going to be turning 20, which in my eyes, means i'm getting old.
I'm not entirely sure if this is a good or bad thing yet. Thinking back to when I was a child, all I wanted to be was around 20. I'd be able to run faster, do things that I never could and reach things on the top shelf at the supermarket (Not magazines.)
But, there's also the downside to things.. Before I was this age, I had open paths, I had chances to do what I want or be what I wanted. Now I can't help but feel atleast slightly more restricted in my choices in life.
I mean, it's not entirely a bad thing, I'm happy with any job and working for the minimum payslip legally allowed, so long as it's enough to make the person I love, happy.

I suppose what makes me drag my feet, is the fact i've come into a new year so uncertain. Not only about myself, but about others too.. I want to know what I want to do in the future, or atleast in this year. But I really can't do that without knowing the expectations of others, and what they'd want from me, because I struggle too much with doing things for myself, and for my own benefit. I tend to just do things that would make others happy, or make them benefit in some way. It's just how I make myself happy, I guess.

So, assuming i seem a moderately normal person, I could probably feel safe in ranting about a few emotions i've either swamped myself in, or been swamped in due to others.
As I've come to realise alot lately, the one emotion that has the capability to utterly destroy me, is jealousy. It's just something i'm not used to, because I typically tend to just turn my head and stroll on, with a 'Haters gonna hate' attitude. But over the last few months, i've kinda fallen into a pool, and felt as if I were swimming through waves of jealousy and envy. It's really made me question myself, and why I worry as much as I do about this person who's become to mean so much, in such a short space of time.
I'm not talking about "Oh that kid has a red bike. I WANT A RED BIKE GODDOMOT." I'm talking about "That person may look at the person I crave, in the way that I want only myself to."
I'm just not used to liking someone to the extent of which I care this much about keeping them close, and in my life.

I've rapidly changed over a few months, from someone who completely disregards women and just focuses on having a laugh with friends, to someone who cares an overwhelming amount about someone, all so suddenly. The fact i've changed so much, has changed me as a person. Not for the good, or for bad, but it does make me feel insanely vulnerable to being hurt. So I suppose the reason i've not had time for the small things in life, like Blogging or whatnot, is just because i've been thinking far too hard about myself and what's best for me, lately. Blogging while overwhelmed with certain feelings kinda sways the tide of what I post, and it really puts me off writing what I actually feel.

It's been a while.

So, it's been a little while since I wrote here. Like I explained in my last post, I'm just falling through a streak of self-destructiveness.. So I decided I'd make this post a little more informal so it's a little easier for people to understand my point, if anyone even reads this. :]

So for the past year or so i've kinda felt alone in everything I do, constantly trying reaching out to people, and spending my time to make them smile, or laugh. People generally see me as the quiet guy that sits talking to people on the computer, but it'd be lovely if one person actually understood the reason I restrict my social interactions to just online. It's not because I feel safer on the computer, or that I don't know how to make people smile face-to-face. I just feel like one of many when i'm out in public, that my opinion isn't worth anything when compared to somebody who looks more intelligent, and i'm easily disregarded. Not to mention the fact I love being able to talk to people who live abroad for me, and compare our lives and wonder if i'd be any happier if I lived where they do.

I'm not sure if it's a bad thing, but I'm obsessed with the sense of a faceless world, where people only see what people are like inside, and for people to lust personalities, not just for what somebody looks like. I spend all my time trying to help other people, or being there for my friends, or just generally being there, for anyone.. I love making people smile, or making people feel, or remember that they have a reason to smile.

I just struggle when it comes to anything to do with myself. I can guide people in relationships very well, I can tell them where the things are going wrong and how easily they're fixed, but when it comes to myself, i'm a lost cause. I seriously am the most hopeless person when it comes to relationships. I over think every moment, I panic if i'm doing things right, or if I could be doing them better.. I just don't have enough faith in myself to think that i'm enough as I am to make somebody happy.. I think the one thing i'd love in life, is to be able to just calm down and stop running around like a lunatic, trying to make this one person happy.. To just stop and realise they like me for who I am, and not for how fast i'm trying to run around for them, would just be amazing.. But although I know this in my head, that this person may want me for me, it's never showed in how I act. I screw up in every relationship, for being such a damn try-hard.

So after thinking about what I generally feel my purpose in life is.. I don't think i'm here to work, succeed in any career or hobby, I just feel i'm here to make people smile and laugh, and that to me feels amazing. But I just really wish I wasn't such a fuck-up when it came to relationships, because to have that one person who's there for you, no matter what you go through or what's at the other end of the tunnel, that's just fucking amazing.. I'm so jelly of anyone who has someone to lean on, or somebody who can go to bed at night, knowing they'll have a smile to wake up to, or somebody who loves them, just cuddling up to them.

So, just a little informal rant about how I see myself I suppose.. But, how do you see yourself? And what do you think your meaning in life is?

The Perfection of the Inner Variety.

So I'll start by saying I'm sorry for not posting for two weeks, but i've been recently been feeling that my posts wouldn't have been worth reading, so I was hesitent to write the things I had on my mind.
But what got me kicked into gear was the amount of people i'd seen lately, that were wasting their time just to try being accepted as societies image of the 'norm.'
I just can't understand why people spend a lifetime in trying to be part of the crowd, and not being happy in themselves, and for who they are and what they're like. So what if you have one arm, one leg, you're shorter than the average person, you're overweight, you're underweight. Everybody is amazing in themselves, and it just really annoys me that 99% of our society are sheep, mocking people for not being like them.
What does it take for society to stop being so judgemental of others, and to start being more accepting of people who dare to be different? I just wish people would be more willing to accept people for their personalities, rather than what somebody looks like.

Now for my curiosity only, if you had to tell the story of your life to somebody, what song would you have playing while you spoke? The theme song of your life, if you will.
Personally, mine would have to be Sixx: AM - Skin.
Anyone can post a reply, even if you don't have an account. (:

The infinite cycle of life.

A baby girl is mysteriously dropped off at an orphanage in Cleveland in 1945.
"Jane" grows up lonely and dejected, not knowing who her parents are, until one day in 1963 she is strangely attracted to a drifter. She falls in love with him, but just when things are looking up for Jane a series of disasters strikes: First, she becomes pregnant by the drifter, who then disappears. Second, during the complicated delivery doctors discover that Jane has both sets of sex organs, and to save her life, they much surgically convert "her" to a "him." Finally, a mysterious stranger kidnaps her baby from the delivery room.

Reeling from these disasters, rejected from society, scorned by fate, "he" becomes a drunkard and a drifter. Not only has Jane lost her parents and her lover, but he has lost his only child as well. Years later, in 1970, he stumbles into a lonely bar, called Pop's Place, and spills out his pathetic story to an elderly bartender. The sympathetic bartender offers the drifter a chance to average the stranger who left her pregnant and abandoned, on the condition that he join the "time traveller corps." Both of them enter a time machine and the bartender drops the drifter off in 1963. The drifter is strangely attracted to a young orphan girl, who subsequently becomes pregnant.

The bartender then goes forward 9 months, kidnaps the baby girl from the hospital, and drops the baby off in an orphanage back in 1945. Then the bartender drops off the thoroughly confused drifter in 1985, to enlist in the time traveller corps. The drifter eventually gets his life together, and becomes a respected and elderly member of the time traveller corps, and then disguises himself as a bartender and has his most difficult mission: a date with destiny, meeting a certain drifter at Pop's palace in 1970.

Inconsistency of guidance.

As the streets of England have began to calm, after what was almost an entire week of rioting and disorder. Officials are beginning to step in and analyse the disruption that was caused, and it has almost brought a new riot amongst us. Police seniors and government officials are currently disputing whether the actions taken were right, given the circumstances.
The government, behind their secure, fortified gates, are arguing that Britain is in need of an outside view, and are currently recruiting a former New York police chief, Bill Bratton. While the Police seniors are sceptical of what this will achieve, they have commented saying "I am not sure I want to learn about gangs from an area of America that has 400 of them."

So, that is basically my way of piecing together the well-spread out news of the past few days. Although, I honestly don't  understand why the government have criticised the police, saying "You weren't forceful enough" and "Our police are too timid." just to go to the trouble of recruiting a former New York police chief, to state and attempt to fix the flaws within our task force. Now, personally I don't have anything against America or its foundations, but given what has happened recently, I really do believe the government have been a little deluded in their actions. It wasn't exactly the police being too timid, or not being forceful enough. This was an uprising of the nation, showing their true colours to our society, and goverment, showing how little control the men in the green chairs have over our country. But of course, that has infuriated the little men in the big chairs, in the houses of parliament. It's very easy for them to try to act as the coordinator, coordinating the pawns, but I honestly believe there wasn't much more to be done, than what was achieved.
I honestly believe bringing in an official from the USA is just going to be a waste of airplane fuel, at the cost of our taxes. There is nothing any other political minded soul can say, other than this was a disaster for England, that we could barely restrain from further chaos.
As far as i'm aware, our police-force acted upon a sudden uprising, and acted as quickly as they could. There was no way of knowing this chaos was on the horizon. Though, being able to coordinate 13,000 police officers in the given areas over such a small period of time and bringing the rioting to a stand still, was a damn great effort.

This wasn't my typical style of writing, but I just wanted to attempt to piece together the stories that have been chewed up and spat out of politicians mouth's over the past few days. Not just for other peoples viewing, but it was also to help me understand what had happened aswell. (:
Also, pic semi-unrelated.

A new dawn is on the horizon.

So yet another day passes with the streets of London still mobbed with violence and anger. Yet, I can't help but wonder what our society is really after, when they have spent five days rioting and stealing from strangers in the street, to show their anger against what, one mans death, from shooting a police officer?

Now I have to wonder, is it really one mans death they're rioting about? Because as far as i'm aware, this is all very much an excuse. An excuse for the public to cower behind the numbers, to join in on something they'd never stand up against, or remotely care about as an individual.

This is a prime example of social influence. Do you honestly believe the teenagers who are rioting on the streets of London, Manchester, Wolverhampton and Birmingham really want to protest against the police's retaliation to a shooting? The truth is, people just want any excuse to rebel agaisnt something they have 'heard' to be wrong, and feel safe behind the number of people marching towards what they see as 'individual freedom.'

 It's actually upsetting to know there are so many sheep within our society, who'll follow orders or be  remotely influenced by people who they've never trusted, or may not have met before. The safety they feel from being part of 500,000 people is enough to make them go out and 'Make a stand.' or atleast, that's what each individual rioter may seem to think they're doing. When in actual fact, it shows how demoralizing our society really is, when people can really influence others to become as moronic as they are being.

Do people really think burning their neighbour's car is going to show the government how angry they are about one mans death? No, the government just see this as society rebelling because they can. All of this mayhem is nothing but an excuse for everybody to get pent up anger out, and join in the fight against what each individual has a problem with. The 13 year old who's trying to steal the TV would never be thinking remotely like the 30 year old who's hurling bricks at the houses are parliament.

Our society is broken, and this is the best way for the government to see how little order they have brought to our country. Every country has an unstable society, but it only takes a few shepherds to guide the sheep in the right direction, and he can make them eat from whichever field he pleases.

Today isn't just another day.

Today was a day where I woke early, wanting a cold bath, instead of the bliss routine of a hot shower. Today I actually wanted to wake up, and get out of the other side of the bed and live my day differently, without the somberness of routine following me wherever I go.

I enjoy the option of choice, doesn't everyone? Yet, as much as we feel comforted by the power to choose, we cower away from it, for we'd all rather that the choices are made for us.
People can tell themselves daily how they believe they want to make an impact on others lives, by doing what they're doing.. But, when we all try desperately to cower away in the shadows of society, does anyone truly want to make a stand and risk putting who they are, on the line? Only to try being spectacular in the eyes of people who they have never met, nor previously cared about?

Today was a day in which I genuinely wanted to help others, and risk sharing what little thoughts I had, with the rest of the world, at the fear of ridicule or mockery.
I'd previously been asked to blog, or atleast note my psychological perspectives on different situations, or people, but I never took that chance, due to how lowly I see my opinion.

Today is where I start something new, in the hope that perhaps a line or two that I may write in the future, may make another person smile, or think twice about something they're considering. My only wish in life is to help another in theirs.

Never before have I written anything formal, or remotely educational. I'll be blogging straight from my own experiences, thoughts, imagination and heart. Though admittedly I am not the most formal writer in the world, or any writer infact. I will try to make my blogs as proper and educational as possible, with the exception of a few informal rants here and there.

So today I leave by asking you for one thing.
Take your mask of anonymity off, and do something to make another person smile. You'll never get a better feeling than knowing you made someone else smile.